Dear Mr. Screwtape,

I am writing to you to express my interest in serving as an Acolyte-in-Training with your organization’s Department of Infernal Resources for the summer. The position calls for a motivated and diligent individual, and I believe my education and extracurricular experience make me an ideal candidate for upholding your department’s organizational philosophy of “Evil,” as well as a top-notch intern in the service of Our Father Below.

First off, please let me emphasize that I am not writing to your organization as a casually interested upperclassmen with a liberal arts degree, nor as a resume padder who had never even heard of perdition until spotting your internship posting on my school’s career services website. As a veteran of more than 10 years of parochial education, a thorough grounding in Hell and temptation, as well as mortal, minor and original sin was as big a part of my schooling as state capitals or trigonometry.

That kind of background might justifiably make you a bit wary, but consider how much easier training would be with a hire already familiar with many of these ideas. Name a heresy and I will gladly produce it. Where do the betrayers go? Put them in the ninth circle.

Much of my past job experience suits the duties described in the posting for this position. As an undergraduate advisor, I already have ample practice with “greeting and sorting new arrivals,” and your newcomers can’t be much more upset than what we see after all the good economics classes have filled up (I’m kidding, of course!). Likewise, my database entry skills would be a huge asset as you move from cataloging mortal trespasses with pen and parchment to a modern, computerized system.

I’m happy working with or around animals as well. Growing up in a house full of pets has given me a ready rapport with all kinds of earthly creatures, and I would expect the same to be true for those in Hell, no matter the size of the locusts or number of heads and horns on the Beast of the Apocalypse.

As you can see from my enclosed resume, I also have a long and varied history of volunteer experience. Many of these activities, such as my years of commitment to student radio, may not constitute as evil, per se. However, I feel that these experiences do serve as evidence of my strong work ethic and self-motivated nature, whether organizing the Senior Class Fall Coat Drive of 2003 or directing the reprobate souls of hypocrites and idolaters toward a lake of fire and brimstone.

I’m willing to commit not just my immortal soul, but up to 30 hours per week (excluding holidays both secular and Satanic) to ensure the bureaucratic Lowerarchy of Hell runs with the same merciless efficiency it has since it was Pandemonium, a little known start-up created in the wake of the Great Downsizing.

No doubt, your inbox is full of resumes from other undergraduates claiming some kind of previous affiliation with Gehenna. Test cheats, petty thieves and liars looking for a backup option in case their Teach for America plans fall through. Many of these people may one day find themselves at your door, but ask yourself, “Are these the kind of sinners I want representing our all-important 18-24 demographic?”

True evil takes more than just the hope of making some easy summer cash from the wages of sin. It requires real force of character, a commitment to the principles laid down by Lucifer, Beelzebub and the other charter members of your organization. I think my credentials make me an ideal fit for this position.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Signature] Matthew Hunziker

If you require any additional information, please contact Matt at hunziker@wisc.edu.